The red rocks of the Garden of the gods, standing tall for years
It is October 2009. Almost done and over with 2009. I am not young anymore. I am entering the world of boring adulthood of selling out. And I have no life. I really do not. This sad realization dawned upon me when I realized how much I worry about what others think of me. This little thing never bothered me when I was a teenager. I am confident, and well-grounded. And now….
my life revolves around my work. I am constantly thinking of new ways to impress my boss and colleagues and trying to prove that I am oh-so-important. but, as we all know, in the corporate world, we are all some bricks in the wall. No one was particularly and/or uniquely important, neither valued. Well, maybe the CEO and the Partners. But, no wait, let me think: nope, not even them are uniquely important.
I hate feeling this way. It’s like I don’t matter to anyone .. or any entity. It’s not like it’s anything new. But this is a rather sad discovery. You know- like, I could die and rot in my apartment, no one will have to know until/unless my neighbors complain of mysterious stench coming out of the apartment # 1017. I got the views and the uppity things in life. And yet, it is all so meaningless. I don’t matter to anyone. In all honesty, no one matters to anyone. We are all delusional. We are ALL so very delusional. We think we are so important. If you are a married man, you think you are so important in your wife’s and children’s lives. But truth be told, you die today, you will be buried within hours and life will go on. Your wife might be able to find a new husband.. maybe not, but they will make do. If you a married woman and you got husband and children, you too can be easily replaced. You may be the smartest kid in the class.. but you too are not unique. And you may be the most important manager at your work- but you too can fail and fall and can possibly be replaced.
That is the amazing thing about this world. We are ALL in it together, thinking so highly of ourselves, taking ourselves so seriously. We think our knowledge, money, career, family- oh they matter oh-so-much. The world scoffs at us. The and angel of death comes and rips apart our soul. And we are soon gone, and forgotten. And in a couple of hundred years, we will be as though we never existed. Yes, as though we NEVER existed.
I know it and feel it so very well. And yet, I am so full of myself. I seek attention. I crave love. I want to feel wanted and valued- not only valued but uniquely valued. And I am here… walking around on this earth- with a body that is so fragile- a body that is not of my own, and will be decomposed within a matter of days once buried. And I think I am all this?
I am only human- of flesh and bone, who will be soon forgotten. In year 2109, it will be as though I never existed. And we take this life so seriously? And the rocks and the trees that are going to outlast us must be scoffing at our human folly…
I renewed my lease. I thought long and hard about leaving my apartment. However, on the deadline, I woke up and prayed fajr. As I looked out my balcony, I saw the thin line of orange hue slowly encroaching our Eastern horizon. The sun is about to come out. And I thought, which other apartment will give me such a view every morning? Knowing what craziness I have been through to see exotic sunrises, I think it’s okay for me to stay in this apartment for another year- indulging in the unobstructed view of the sky. Even though my only complaint was that it was too expensive. What I learned in life is that, money is not something to hold on to. You make money, you spend it (in good things), and you forget about it. Money comes, money goes. And unless and until we use the money we are given, it’s not really ours. Oh well.
As I look out my balcony, as I very often do, a lot of thoughts run through my mind. I often take myself into account. Thinking about my own sins give me sense of hopelessness. I wonder about forgiveness. I wonder about the people that I have wronged- knowingly, unknowingly; intentionally or inadvertently. I often look at my life and force myself not to pay attention to the unmet needs of life as some of my needs are not only met, but exceeded expectation in meeting those needs. At the end of the day, all humans are given an overall life score that can be asymptotically convergent.
However, sometimes it’s hard to remain patient. And at that time, it’s always good to be able to say Allahu Akbar- my Lord has granted me with whatever is the best for me in His judgment- for He is lateeful khabeer. His subtlety is beyond our understanding. He is well-aware of our needs, wants, met and unmet. And He only grants to those He wills. And if it is Allah’s decision that I deserve or do not deserve something of this world, who am I to question that verdict?
Allahu nurus samawati wal ard.
As I look out my balcony, see the tremendously beautiful sunrise in an October morning, I am humbled by the humility of the Sun, which is rising at an appointed time, at an appointed direction, every morning, because Allah has subjugated the sun to be that way. And yet this sun is the source of ALL of our energy and the sun does not question Allah’s verdict. And, me, a lowly human… how dare I?
Today was an interesting day, to say the least. Because of the fact that I had a building badge to an Army facility, I was able to escort three guys in there so that they could get in-processed. Now, these guys are retired Army, ex-Air Force and ex-Navy and it was such an unreal feeling to be escorting them into a defense facility (definitely for work purpose). Here I was, a woman, an immigrant, a civilian and so intrusively and visibly Muslim, escorting three men with defense history.
Once we were done, on my way out, a security guard stopped me and said, “I need to ask you something!” Now, right when I thought I was done with life-lessons for the day, she asked, “Are you Muslim?” I said, “yes”. She said, so she was. She told me her Muslim name. She looks like just another security guard on the facility. Unless she told me, I would not have guessed. As we both greeted each other numerous times (as I had to walk back and forth a few times) with salam, my colleagued asked what I said to her in a different language. I explained and felt so proud.
These are little experiences that make my life so interesting every now and then. Sometimes I realize how unreasonably lucky and privileged I am. And most times, I recognize, I am not deserving of any of these.
Thank You, my Creator, the Lord of the Universe, for everything. For Everything.
the birds, the sea and the sky
August 09, 2009, Sunday
Santa Barbara, CA
I walked into the quaint Amtrak station in Santa Barbara, near the West Beach. We, my uncle, aunt, and the two cousins from L.A., were hanging out at the dock at the beautiful beach. They had driven from L.A. to drop me off at the Santa Barbara station. As we were driving, the familiar mountainesque scenes took me back in time (like really back in 1993), and got me totally awe-struck. And after enjoying the amazing view at the beach (which deserves a post on its own, and hopefully will write about them), they drove me to the Amtrak station nearby.
Inside the typical California style tan-brown building, I started looking around, surveying the area around me- I would have to be here for another two hours before my bus starts for Emeryville in Northern California. I saw a bearded man with golden framed glasses on, seating on the brown wooden bench, reading something from a small dark blue leather bound book- sounded more like chanting. He has a light blue shirt on, and a navy blue vest on top of the shirt. He is wearing a pair of matching navy blue pants. He is white, and has blondish beard- quite lengthy, almost like a hanafi – fist long. He was rocking his head as he was reading from his Holy Scripture. The facial hair above his upper lip is carefully shaved- a totally Muslim beard. But from his dress (and a big black English hat left by his side) and chanting style, I thought he was Jewish. It turns out he is a devout Christian. (note: We traveled together, almost all the way. I got off at Denver. He was still on his way to Iowa; pronounced: eye-o-way )
As I was looking around, our eyes met and I smiled at him. He smiled back and got back to his Book. We made some noise as I said good-bye to my cousins and uncle and aunt in my native tongue. As they left me and I turned back into the waiting area I caught him staring at me- a rather blank yet curious stare. Foreign languages generate curiosity. I asked if he was waiting for the bus. We found out that we are going to be on the same bus. He went back to his Book.
As it became dusk and it was time for maghrib, I took out my yellow plastic poncho (which I bought yesterday at the Universal Studio with a dollar as I did not want to get totally drenched at the Jurassic Park ride) from my bag and headed to pray. I took out my compass and figured out the NE direction. I laid down my yellow poncho, took off my sandles and stood up to pray to My Lord- and the Lord of the Universe, the same God the man in blue is worshipping, the same God who created me and him. We were in remembrance of the Lord of the Universe- in different ways- but we were remembering the same God. And little do we know about each other.
Little did we know.. little do we know.. little will we know.
O mankind! We created you from a single (pair) of a male and a female, and made you into nations and tribes, that ye may know each other (not that ye may despise each other). Verily the most honoured of you in the sight of Allah is (he who is) the most righteous of you. And Allah has full knowledge and is well acquainted (with all things). Quran 49:13
Waiting for a “once in a life time” type of opportunity.
Please God, guide me and help me.
I had an amazing day. Maybe I should write about it?
khoborer kagoj hochche olosh loker bilaash; retired loker aasroy.
hahahahaha
Had no clue a google search could render so much!
Check this out. If you do not have much interest in grammar and linguistic miracles of the Qur’an, you probably won’t be as excited as I am. But oh well, just in case anyone finds it beneficial.
And one of my super close beloved friend got a whopping 35N on her MCAT! This is so crazy awesome!
This past weekend I spent roughly 20 hours at a lecture seminar, being mesmerimized as I got an atom-like sampling of the precious gems of the Qur’an. May Allah bless and preserve the teacher for he definitely has an amazing talent to take people like myself, a rather sad creature with little or nothing to show for myself, on this incredible journey. It felt like I was in a different world- and it indeed was. Quran does take you to a different world, with the most vivid, lively and accurate description, if only we knew. And right when I was totally lost and settled in the other world (of the stories of our Prophets with description of such great details), the time was up and I had to come back to the other reality of dull and boring present life.
On my drive back home, I was feeling nauseas, and arm paralyzed and weak in my knees. I did not know what was happening to me but I felt pretty disgusted by myself, about how I left the treasures of the Book from my Lord, mostly untouched, unread and misunderstood. I had not anticipated this kind of negative (physical) feeling upon finishing this seminar. I had thought I would come out happy; but quite the opposite happened. I felt so ashamed of myself that I wanted to hide myself from the world. At one point I wondered if I should even be driving at that point for clearly I was not in the right mental state. I had not felt that kind of constriction in my chest in a long time (or if ever at all). And before I knew, tears started gushing out of my eyes. And I was totally dumbfounded. I did not know what to do. All I knew that I wanted to pray, ask for forgiveness for squandering my time the way I did/do, and ask for a chance and opportunity to immerse myself in an immensely meaningful pursuit. Otherwise, this nagging void within myself in itself will be enough to kill me.
O Allah, make my love for You the most beloved thing to me, and my fear for You the most fearful thing to me, and remove from me all worldly needs and wants by instilling a passion for meeting You, and when You have given the people of the world the pleasures of their world, make the coolness of my eyes in worshiping You.
April 27, 2009
I am here in a beautiful Island, visiting my buddy, T, who is finishing up her medical studies at the Windsor School of Medicine in the St. Kitts island. It’s my 4th day here. Because T was moving out of the Island, she needed to go to her school to wrap up various paperwork on last time. And this time, she took me along.
The school is situated along the coast of the Atlantic, and it has a breathtaking view. As we walked towards the courtyard area, I was awe-struck by all the greeneries, with the famous volcano in the background, partly covered by the cloud. Right in the middle of the courtyard, stood a pregnant mango tree. And right underneath the mango tree, a heap of green mangoes in an asymmetric pile. Us being so irristibly in love with green mangoes, we decide to take some. In general, these fruits are free to take and you wouldn’t not have to ask any authority for permission.
Green Mangoes
Just when we were done putting some mangoes in a plastic bag, a Rasta man approaches us says something. Even though he spoke English, I had little clue about what he was saying. I asked him to repeat and I still was clueless. After a few more times of repetition, I realized he was saying he saved these mangoes for the Dean of the college and we should not take them. My friend, having a sense of entitlement to the school asked if she could take these for she was leaving the following the day.
I, holding on to my fairly large Nikon D60, asked if I could take a picture for he was so nicel, even though I knew I was only trying to make him happy so that we could take the mangoes. He posed for me.
He let us take us our mangoes and gave some more. And he asked that I send him his picture. I asked for his (email) address. He wrote down,
Leonardo
Canada Estate, St. Kitts, West Indies.
As soon as I saw this, I started laughing my head off. Ok, how am I supposed to send anything to such an address. He owns the entire “Canada Estate” in St. Kitts?
My question is, if I fail to keep my words that I would send him his pictures, will I be held accountable to God? I asked “T” for suggestion about how to keep my words to this man. She said, rather calmly, “if you really want to keep your promise to someone high on ganja, I don’t know what to say. But hopefully God will know.”
We put the mangoes in a plastic bag, and left the premises after thanking Leonardo. We took them all- counted them and watched them with greedy eyes. There were eight of them. 4 for the afternoon, and 4 to consume at night. We walked back home, happy, dangling the bag full of mangoes.
