By way of a rather impulsive decision, I, with two other friends, ended up in San Juan, Puerto Rico, for four nights. Though initially I somewaht regretted having made an impulsive decision to come to Puerto Rico (especially, since I have just gotten back from Turkey during the Thanksgiving break in 2011), I could not have been any happier having been here.

I could try to talk about the things we did and how it has been an absolutely hilarious experience. But for some reason I want to write about this one last sunset here in this amazingly beautiful place that my Lord created.

The water is blue. The color is a lot like that of the beaches in Miami. The sun is almost set. The sky is still somewhat bright but it’s beginning to get dark here.

Earlier today, we went to a rainforest. And it has been an exotic experience. We went there with a tour group. The group had another (older, not too old, though) couple from Florida and they were really nice.The tour guide gave us a long “brief” about the history and how Puerto Rico had a total of Six Flags. He was knowledgeable. But at times, I wished for some quiet moments of silence and reflection. We did go to a tower, whose name escapes my mind right now. The view from the tower reminded me of the last scene of the movie Blood Diamond. It was simply breath taking.

Then finally, we went to the one and only rainforest here. The trail, as expected, was slippery, and my Puma had little traction. I fell. And busted my friend’s camera. I felt terribly about busting someone’s camera. I will have to do something to fix it. Anyhow, I learned that “Ortiga” is the Puerto Rican Poison Ivy. We saw a falls. It was pretty. A lot of the trees reminded me of Bangladesh. The tropical trees, the birds, and the insect.

Now, I am back at the beach, by our hotel. They have folded the chairs. Another day of sailing and selling comes to an end. The sun set, and it’s almost fully dark. The waves go on, reminding you of the nature of passing of time. It all comes to an end. Every day.

I even got an email from my Miami boss. There are just simply too many reasons this day was special.

All right- it’s over, and now back to work!

You will not have another chance to say “I am 2X” in about an hour and a half. And you couldn’t afford to waste an opportunity such as this.

It has been an incredible year. And for the most part, you loved it. You loved being who you are. As time goes and you learn new things in life, you realized that passing of time is an amazing thing. We don’t know if it happens to everyone else, but it’s certainly happening to you -  you are beginning to find yourself and your identity. For the very first time, you are extremely comfortable with yourself.

It’s an incredibly liberating feeling when you find yourself in a position where you don’t think about having to impress anyone, or convince anyone. You like being “YOU”. You like the color of your eyes, you like your hair, you like your skin, you like your teeth- despite all the flaws. You just stop fighting with yourself. And achieving this level of maturity of loving yourself just the way you are, whether or not you consider yourself particularly impressive, only happens with time.

Some sort of Kafka moment happened. There must have been a transformation somewhere along the way in making of a confident, dazzling woman. Oh please, stop flattering yourself like that. But, if this is how you really feel when you look at yourself in the mirror everyday, don’t forget to thank The One, to whom all credit is due.

You still have other serious short-comings to overcome. Despite being very comfortable with your physical self, you are not yet comfortable about your professional and academic self. You feel underachieved. You feel you have settled for less than your true potential. You also have some grudges that sometimes hold you back. And by the end of next year, we would like you to be comfortable with those aspects, too – be comfortable with your paycheck and business title.

Remember that rizq comes from the Almighty and He prefers some over others. He has preferred you over some and He has preferred some others over you. Granted, you still feel the world is unfair in many instanced, but do not ever forget about the transient nature of this world. Do not ever compromise on your values.

As time goes on, and you are becoming a more confident woman, I worry that you are also developing material attachments. And over the course of next year, we are going to engage on spiritual exercise with the goal of liberating yourself of materialistic wants.

From now on, you should not ever have to sit at an all-hand meeting with lowered gaze, thinking whether or not you really belong. Because, Allah had already decided on your rizq of you having to be there. You are where you are for a reason. Perhaps you think you should be doing something else, but do not pass up on opportunities to make a difference with a theoretical expectation that you should be somewhere else.

Have a goal – a goal that would impress you. And work towards it. This coming year, you will be working to a goal to love your professional self, your intellectual self, and your spiritual self, just the way you have learned to appreciate your physical self. Don’t waste your mind, talent, and time. These are the most precious gifts Allah has given you and He will hold you accountable for all the blessings.

O Allah, make what is lawful enough for me, as opposed to what is unlawful, and spare me by Your grace, of need of others.

Ya Allah – spare me by Your grace, of need of others.

Ya Allah – spare me by Your grace, of need of others.

One of the amazing things about human heart is that it is full of feelings. No matter how many time one may have gotten his or her heart broken, s/he still falls in love…. in love with people and places. And regardless of how tiring it may be, people get angry, sad, and frustrated.

Tomorrow is one last time, I will hop on an airplane to go to Miami. And this is going to be my last business trip to Miami. It was exactly one year ago, Oct 24, 2010 was my first business trip to Miami (it was also my first business travel that required me to go out of town). And when I landed on a Sunday, I drove straight to the South Beach. That was my first time ever to have gone there. The green and blue water made my head spin as I drove down the MacArthur Causeway and ended up at where the 5th st intersects Alton road. And before long, I was at South Beach.

Mom tells me that I had been there before as a child. Since I don’t remember much of that childhood visit to the South Beach, Oct 24, 2010, a Sunday, is a day consider extremely memorable for myself. I had just had a really bad encounter the previous Friday and I was completely heartbroken. And being able to sit next to such beautiful water aimlessly, without reason, nor rhyme, was soothing. And then Monday I first reported to the client site at Doral. Here, in the first few hours, I would come across some people I would come to know, befriend, and respect a great deal. I think it was within the first day, I felt like I simply belonged. Never did I find any group of people I so readily resonated with. They all worked hard and getting things done. But the rare thing about them was that they all had fun, they all joked around and simply were living in moment.

I left for Hajj two weeks after, and when I came back on the 29th, I got an email from Miami saying that the client wanted me to just temporarily move over there. Only God knew how badly I needed to be away!And I jumped for joy at the opportunity. Before long, I was on my way to Miami, on a long train ride to Orlando and then a nice drive to Miami. I stayed at a condo in Miami downtown, and I could see the blue/green water from the balcony of 26th floor condo.

My client got transferred in July and that was the last time I was in Miami. We said our good bye and he left me with his contact info. And that was it; or, so I thought. I was sad to leave. I loved that place. I loved the people I worked with. I loved the work I did. And it was coming to an end- all too fast.

About 4-8 weeks after that July trip to Miami, they finally put the final order to stop my piece of the work. But by then, I had already moved on. I was already looking at new projects to be staffed on. Either way, my loyalty, to a great extent, was to my client, let’s call him CPH. CPH was a different man, a man of strong value and integrity. He worked hard and somehow naturally bought commitment from people. He cared about his employees, and it showed in his conduct. He had high expectations and he was demanding, yet he was caring. I don’t think I ever came across anyone with such strong leadership qualities. His qualities showed in the performance of the people in his shop. And I hated to have to stop working for him, especially since I had just worked for him about 6 months at that point. But all things come to an end, and this is no different.

This past Friday, after Friday prayer, when I was waiting for the shuttle to go back to my current client site, I saw a familiar face standing in line, holding onto a freshly laundered suit. I called out “CPH!!” He was so surprised to see me! He gave me a hug (not sure what to say when colleagues/men do that. It’s awkward). We talked like old times. We talked about the changes. I asked about his new position, and new work. I don’t know why I was so happy to run into him. I just could not tell. But I felt good.

As I pack for Miami for one last time and I know this is the last time ever for me to go down there for work, for some reason I feel really, really sad. There is a bit of a heartache I am feeling about it. I stayed in Miami no more 90 days in addition to making a few shorter trips. I don’t know how or why I got so attached to the place. But those 90 days went by fast; however, the memory remained fresh and beautiful. The blissful 90 days in my head made it through this year. Just the memory of waking up to beautiful sun, and the shiny water as seen from my balcony makes me happy. Everyday I woke up in pure bliss. I don’t know if it was about the people or the place but I was in peace with everything and I loved every moment of it and in my head, whenever I want to take a break, I just close my eyes, and I imagine myself there.

Maybe the heavens will hear my unspoken words and perhaps will replace this with something even better! Allahu Akbar. But whatever it is, I don’t think I can ever thank Allah enough for giving me the year 2011. I know a lot of bad things happened in this year; but it was yet the most beautiful time of my life, particularly those 90 days in Miami. And that is funny thing about heart. It remembers the good time a lot longer than it remembers the bad times. But the good times that it remembers, it takes you a long way with that good memory!

It started off as a foggy day with drizzles and wetness all around. The traffic on the beltway was bad, as per usual. But at around 245pm, sun peeked out of the cloud. The sun shone on my right elbow and arms. The warmth of the sun made me happy, as I sat there, typing away on my report. It was really pleasant. It made me think how pleasant one can be when one shows a tamer side of his, despite being naturally hot and strong.

About half an hour ago, it started raining hard. The water is flowing down the window I am sitting in front of. The visibility through the window is poor. I have to finish up my report but I did not want to miss documenting the moment of listening to this beautiful Celtic music, which is making me really dreamy and being able to listen to the rain crashing against my window. It does not happen every day.

Work- is there every day. I don’t even know how these past three years have gone by. I don’t remember accomplishing anything other than work related milestones. I see my blog is barren and I know I have stopped documenting my thoughts. And, I think, I lost a part of me along the process. I have stopped questioning myself that I used to do via this blog. And I think from now on, I should start blogging, self-examining, and make myself more aware of my surroundings and actions. More than anything else, I would like to get back to writing, mostly because that has been heavily therapeutic for me.

It’s dusk and soon will be time for maghrib. And the rain stopped.

Last night, I came here in Fort Myers at a distant relative’s house. We thought about watching the game between Bangladesh and South Africa. And Bangladesh was such a disappointment that we stopped watching around 2:00am. After that break, when I came to the room, where I was supposed to spend the night, I was mesmerized by the sheer beauty of the full moon in the sky and her reflection on the waters. I was so sleepy that I could not really do anything more than just stare. Although, ideally I think I would have loved to just pray under the beautiful moonlit sky. Perhaps, I could do that tonight.

Today, we took a boat ride on a private boat that this family owns. I got lost in the waves and my own thoughts. I decided not to feel guilty for these little enjoyments of life. I know the a big part of the world is starving, but, it was just easier to breathe in the beauty of the waters, for now.

I am on the balcony, basking in the last remnants of daylight- whatever of the day that is still left. This house is on the water, where the backyard leads in to the bay, which leads into the Gulf of Mexico. It gets pretty close to the description of paradise.

And, here I am on someone else’s property. Never did I think I would actually personally be experiencing any of these. But I have been living a high life, vicariously, and I have been obnoxiously ungrateful to God and the people around me. But today, for some reason, I find myself humbled and awed.

I am listening to recitation by a Shaykh who played a major role when I was growing up in Denver. As his recitation penetrates my heart, a timely reminder comes in this verse:

“Allah favored some of you over others with wealth and properties- Do they deny the favors of Allah?” (Qur’an, 16:71)

May Allah forgive me every time I falter and fail to express my gratitude for blessing me with so many things, for the things that I directly own, and for those things that I vicariously enjoy. May Allah hold us not into account, for we will inevitably fail that test.

I temporarily relocated to Miami, FL. I am staying at a high rise condominium, really close to the waters. The South beach is probably the most beautiful beach I have ever seen in the continental U.S.

I drive to the beach frequently. I go there in the morning and in the evening. The sun rises on the water, the sea gulls fight with each other. the green water goes in deep and mixes with the blue water.

Don’t feel like writing anymore. But it is taking me back in time- when I was 9, and traveling around in the U.S. The stay at Beverly Hills, and the West Palm beach, and Houston and Time Square in Manhattan. Ah bliss.

Money does buy happiness- to some extent, of course!

Today, in a most unplanned manner, my brother and his friend helped me enormously and moved my stuff to a storage place. The apartment is almost empty since all of the furniture and heavy belongings of mine are out. Now, I need to look at the lighter things- albeit messier things.

From now on, life is again a roller-coaster. I am not sure what to expect from myself anymore. When I first moved into this apartment about 24.5 months ago, I thought I was very settled- I thought it was going to be smooth sailing from now on. Little did I know about life.

I don’t feel like writing anymore. But I am in my semi-empty apartment. This will be the last time I will see the full moon from my living room- so bright and beautiful. Perhaps, it will be replaced with something better. But for now, all I know, “uncertainties are my only certainty”. But, isn’t it true for all?

Today I woke up with the resolution that I would be productive. In terms of running errands, I would have to say I was pretty productive. In terms of doing office work, I was a pathetic bastard. There is a quite a few things to take care of. A temporary move to Miami, moving my belongings to storage, looking at other opportunities. The race is simply endless.

At one point, I debated whether or not I should go to Philly, because I just miss my friends in Philly and they would have made this day a heck lot better. After taking care of the air of the tire in this cold (we are around 20′s, and I am freshly back from Saudi), I got tired. I decided against it. But a a friend SB from work came to visit. Got a piece of cake and had a birthday! I even blow out the candle I usually light for pleasant scent in the kitchen.

I do remember being depressed for an extended period of time for my Birthday. It may be because of the season and the temperature. This year, it seems I am definitely in acceptance of the unavoidable truth that time passes, and with that, we age. And that is a very natural process. Now I think as I aged, I lost my maturity. I started comparing my age with others and started to measure what I have accomplished by this age versus what someone else did by this age. And this has killed me from inside out, because I always found a great big group of people doing a lot better than myself. And the group of people that are doing much less well than I am, well, I just decided to ignore them and that really ensured the highest level of misery in life. Looking back, I am simply ashamed of myself because of my own disease of the heart.

But for some reason, all of a sudden, I am beginning to have a better perspective of life. Regardless of what happens in your life, life goes on. Sometimes you feel down, sometimes you feel great. And our life is nothing but fragments of time. And it’s up to us to make it all memorable. And at this point, I feel really content with everything. My (old) age, my personal life (or lack thereof), my professional life (or, lack thereof)- everything. The only thing I am not content with is my level of commitment I have been able to show for my religion. And all I ask that Allah helps me develop spiritually, physically and financially, so that I can live a fulfilling life that our Prophet would be proud of me and Allah will not deprive of me seeing His countenance.

I am getting back to DC after a very long time. I went for Hajj and then I was sick for a while, as expected. This weekend I came to Philly from NY. The friend, whom I met through our mothers, who is also in ortho surgery, flew in from Boston. Though I was sick, I realized I needed to honor this schedule. We planned that two months in advance. I had such an amazing time. I needed this refreshing weekend, that would set me back to focus on life.

I have to write in details about hajj.

But I am reading a book on iPad and listening to a soothing song.

And i did the biggest thing in life and that is hajj. Heck, i could not really feel too bad about myself. I could always compare myself to someone else’s situation and feel sorry for myself. But when i think about it all, Allahu Akbar. I am in pretty darn good shoes.

So, 27th birthday? Bring it on, age, bring it on. I am ready to be 27. I have felt like that for a while.

And if it feels to bad to be that age, hey, there is an iPad apps to lend me a hand.

Alhamdulillah for everything. Alhamdulillah for Allah has blessed this undeserving servant with more than she would ever deserve.